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Sarcasm - Sarcastic Quotes
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Sarcasm (sär-"ka-z&m) n.
Etymology: French or Late Latin; French sarcasme, from Late Latin sarcasmos, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein to tear flesh, bite the lips in rage, sneer, from sark-, sarx flesh; probably akin to Avestan thwarts- to cut Date: 1550. Source: Merriam-Webster
It sounds pretty nasty. We would like to believe that sarcasm is a deliberate statement with intent for humor. You can be the judge. We have a very large list of sarcasm quotes.
If you have some that you especially like and you don't see it here. Drop us an email.
- Edward Abbey
-- A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.
- Joey Adams
-- Stay with me;
I want to be alone
-- A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife
asks for nothing.
- Russel Baker
-- People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.
- Alben W. Barkley
-- A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
- Dave Barry
-- The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom."
- Caron de Beaumarchais
-- It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.
- Ambrose Bierce
-- Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
- Stephen Bishop
-- I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- Erma Bombeck
-- One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
-- I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
-- Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence
- David Brinkley
-- The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were.
- A. Whitney Brown
-- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- Samuel Butler
-- Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.
- Frank Capra
-- Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
- John Ciardi
-- You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.
- Ashleigh Brillant
-- Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Forrest Tucker
-- He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
- John Cleese
-- I find it rather easy to protray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
- Johnny Carson
-- Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.
- Jean Cocteau
-- I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?
- Andrei Codrescu
-- Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother's.
- Steven Coallier
-- If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there's a finite
number of idiots.
- Noel Coward
-- I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
- Quentin Crisp
-- The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
- Finley Peter Dunne
-- An appeal is when you ask one court to show it's contempt for another court.
- J.W. Eagan
-- Never judge a book by its movie.
- Abba Eban
-- History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- William Feather
-- Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.
- Carrie Fisher
-- You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.
-- Instant gratification takes too long.
- Gustave Flaubert
-- To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
- Redd Foxx
-- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Milton Friedman
-- Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
-- Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness," but it doesn't work
-- I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
- Brendan Gill
-- Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
- Richard Goodwin
-- People come to Washington believing it is the center of power. I know I did. It was only much later that I learned that Washington is a steering wheel that's not connected to an engine.
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
-- Just when you realize life's a bitch, it has puppies.
- Cynthia Heimel
-- If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
- Katherine Hepburn
-- Death will be a great relief. No more interviews.
- Alfred Hitchcock
-- This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop.
-- I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.
-- There are several differences between a footballl game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer and the participants wear uniforms. Also there are more injuries at a football game.
-- Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
- Eric Hoffer
-- When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
- Elbert Hubbard
-- A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
- Kin Hubbard
-- A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
-- Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
-- The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.
-- One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.
- Aldous Huxley
-- Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
-- Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
- W. R. Inge
-- Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.
- Clive James
-- Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology.
- P.D. James
-- We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends.
- Thomas Jefferson
-- Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies.
- John Maynard Keynes
-- The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
- Henry Kissinger
-- The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
-- Ninty percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.
- Tony Kornheiser
-- Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos.
- Alfred A. Knopf
-- An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.
- Joseph Wood Krutch
-- Both the cockroach and the bird could get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most.
- Louis Kronenberger
-- The trouble with America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy.
- Fran Lebowitz
-- Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.
- David Letterman
-- Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
- Oscar Levant
-- Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
- Leonard Louis Levinson
-- I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
- Sinclair Lewis
-- Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if they are worthless.
-- People will buy anything that is 'one to a customer.'
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-- Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.
- Norman Mailer
-- Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists.
- W. Somerset Maugham
--She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.
- Groucho Marx
-- No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
-- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- Edward Shepherd Mead
-- Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
- H.L. Mencken
-- It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has decended from man.
-- Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-- Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it.
- Lewis Mumford
-- Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
- Ogden Nash
-- The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.
- Howard Ogden
-- Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
- Robert Orben
-- Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.
- Lester Pearson
-- Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.
- Laurence J. Peter
-- Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.
-- Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.
- Arthur Wing Pinero
-- A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination.
- Dan Rather
-- Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
- Pierre August Renoir
-- It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.
- Ann Richards
-- He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
- Will Rogers
-- There ought to be one day -- just one -- where there is open season on senators.
- Andy Rooney
--When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
- Harold Rosenberg
-- No degree of dullness can safeguard a work against the determination of critics to find it facinating.
- Rita Rudner
-- In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
-- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-- I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
-- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-- Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
- George Sanders
Acting is like roller skating. Once you know how to do it, it is neither stimulating nor exciting.
- George Bernard Shaw
-- In order to fully realize how bad a popular play can be, it is necessary to see it twice.
-- There are only two classes in good society in England: the equestrian class and the neurotic class.
-- The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.
- Wilfred Sheed
-- If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English.
- Robert Louis Stevenson
-- Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
-- I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion.
- Adlai Stevenson
-- Some people approach every problem with an open mouth.
- Tom Stoppard
-- Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork and picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.
- Johnathan Swift
-- Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
- James Thurber
-- If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-- Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
- Lily Tomlin
-- I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
-- The trouble with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat.
- Herbert Beerbohm Tree
-- The national sport of England is obstacle racing. People fill their rooms with useless and cumbersome furniture, and spend the rest of their lives trying to dodge it.
- Pierre Trudeau
-- Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.
- Mark Twain
-- Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.
-- I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.
-- Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
- Mo Udall
-- If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
- John Updike
-- A healthy adult male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.
- Peter Ustinov
-- If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.
- Bill Vaughan
-- Muscles come and go; flab lasts.
- Gore Vidal
--Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
- Eli Wallach
-- Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck.
- Carolyn Wells
-- Actions lie louder than words.
- Oscar Wilde
-- The basis of action is lack of imagination. It is the last resource of those who know not how to dream.
-- It is only the intellectually lost who ever argue.
-- It is only by not paying one's bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.
-- Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
-- Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
- Billy Wilder
--He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
- Alexander Wolcott
--All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
- Steven Wright
-- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Evelle J. Younger
-- An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attourney can delay one even longer.
- Frank Zappa
-- The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
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Last Updated April 1, 2013
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