Quotable Quotes
Funny Quotes and Humorous Quotes

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
by Robert Frost

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
by Lucille S. Harper

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
by David Letterman

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
by Roseanne

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
by Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
by Rita Rudner

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be President, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be Vice President.
by Johnny Carson

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
by Douglas Adams Author, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

I spent most of my money on booze and women. The rest I wasted.
by John Laws

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
by Jack Handey

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
by Erma Bombeck

One time a guy pulled a knife on me... I could tell it wasn't a professional job; it had butter on it.
by Rodney Dangerfield

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
by Ashleigh Brilliant

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.
by Ashleigh Brilliant

Every once in a while, you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You can't do that. It's gone, gone forever.
by Dan Quayle

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