An Englishman waiting to tee-off sees a funeral procession going by. It was a strange looking affair, the casket and the pall bearers were led by a man who had a dog by a leash and the rest of the people were walking in a straight line behind the casket. Unable to resist his curiosity, he goes up to the man with the dog and asks " Excuse me for troubling you on such a sad occasion. but I have never seen such a string funeral. the dog and all the people walking in a straight line???"

The man with the dog answers "This is my wife's funeral."

"But why the dog?" asks the Englishman.

"She died because this dog here bit her," said the man with the dog.

"Very sorry to hear that. Would you mind if I borrow the dog for a while?"

"Sure" says the man with the dog, "get to the back of the line."

Two Friends Play Golf on Saturday

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.'

So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.

The hit man replied, 'It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'

The man said, '$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.'

The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks.'

Instructions Posted At A Local Golf Club

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

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