Jokes 'N Jokes
Science
Mathematic Jokes

How do you prove in three steps that a sheet of paper is a lazy dog?
1. A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
2. An inclined plane is a slope up.
3. A slow pup is a lazy dog.

What does the little mermaid wear?
An Algebra

Did you hear about the murderous mathematician?
He went on a killing spree with a pair of axis!

Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE
Motto of the society: Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving

Noah's Ark lands after The Flood and Noah releases all the animals, saying, "Go forth and multiply."
Several months pass and Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.
"What's the problem?" asks Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass and Noah checks up on the snakes again. He sees lots of little snakes; everybody is happy. Noah says, "So tell me how the trees helped."
"Certainly," reply the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

How about some shorties ?

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.
Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.
In Alaska, where it gets very cold, pi is only 3.00. As you know, everything shrinks in the cold. They call it Eskimo pi.
A tragedy of mathematics is a beautiful conjecture ruined by an ugly fact.
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Aerodynamicists do it in drag.
Algebraists do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in a ring, in fields, in groups.
Analysts do it continuously and smoothly.
Applied mathematicians do it by computer simulation.
Banach spacers do it completely.
Bayesians do it with improper priors.
Catastrophe theorists do it falling off part of a sheet.
Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.
Complex analysts do it between the sheets
Computer scientists do it depth-first.
Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes.
Decision theorists do it optimally.
Functional analysts do it with compact support.
Galois theorists do it in a field.
Game theorists do it by dominance or saddle points.
Geometers do it with involutions.
Geometres do it symmetrically.
Graph theorists do it in four colours.
Hilbert spacers do it orthogonally.
Large cardinals do it inaccessibly.
Linear programmers do it with nearest neighbors.
Logicians do it by choice, consistently and completely.
Logicians do it incompletely or inconsistently.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
Number theorists do it perfectly and rationally.
Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both.
Real analysts do it almost everywhere
Ring theorists do it non-commutatively.
Set theorists do it with cardinals.
Statisticians probably do it.
Topologists do it openly, in multiply connected domains
Variationists do it locally and globally.

How many .............?

How many constructivist mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb?
None: They do not believe in infinitesimal rotations.

How many numerical analysts does it take to replace a lightbulb?
3.9967: (after six iterations).

How many classical geometers does it take to replace a lightbulb?
None: You can't do it with a straight edge and a compass.

How many topologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one. But what will you do with the doughnut?

How many math department administrators does it take to replace a lightbulb?
None: What was wrong with the old one then?

How many mathematical logicians does it take to replace a lightbulb?
None: They can't do it, but they can prove that it can be done.

How many Bourbakists does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Changing a lightbulb is a special case of a more general theorem concerning the maintain and repair of an electrical system. To establish upper and lower bounds for the number of personnel required, we must determine whether the sufficient conditions of Lemma 2.1 (Availability of personnel) and those of Corollary 2.3.55 (Motivation of personnel) apply. Iff these conditions are met, we derive the result by an application of the theorems in Section 3.1123. The resulting upper bound is, of course, a result in an abstract measure space, in the weak-* topology.

How many professors does it take to replace a lightbulb?
One: With eight research students, two programmers, three post-docs and a secretary to help him.

How many university lecturers does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Four: One to do it and three to co-author the paper.

How many simulationists does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Infinity: Each one builds a fully validated model, but the light actually never goes on.

How many graduate students does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Only one: But it takes nine years.

How many analysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three: One to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a nonconstructive algorithm to do it.

Top Ten Excuses used by Math Students for not doing homework:

• I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
• Isaac Newton's birthday.
• I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
• I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
• I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
• I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
• I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
• I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
• I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee.
  I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
• I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

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