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A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ouch, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis; "You have a broken finger."
Doctor: "I've got very bad news. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's."
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.
Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.
Wife: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.
Bob to X-ray technician after swallowing some money:
"Do you see any change in me?"
Nurse: Doctor, the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do?
Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!
Did you hear about the Siamese twins?
Everything goes in one ear and out the brother.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered.
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits ." All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
"Eventually," said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
Doctor:"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
He is not dead; he is Electro encephalographically challenged
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Last Updated April 1, 2013
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