Jokes 'N Jokes
Insults, Putdowns and Sarcasm

• I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

• Does your train of thought have a caboose?

• I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

• Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

• If I throw a stick, will you leave?

• You!...Off my planet!

• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

• And which dwarf are you?

• If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

• Do I look like a  people person?

• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

• A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

• A PBS mind in an MTV world.

• Allow me to introduce my selves.

• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

• It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

• Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

• Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

• I plead contemporary insanity.

• How do I set a laser printer to stun?

• Meandering to a different drummer.

• The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside.

• May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant -- all over their faces.

• May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.

• May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.

Giant Book of Put-Downs, Insults & Excuses
by Maureen Kushner, Joseph Resenbloom, Joseph Rosenbloom

Stick Up for Yourself : Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem
by Gershen Kaufman, et al

How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book That Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense
by Kate Cohen-Posey, Betsy A. Lampe (Illustrator)

Words Will Never Hurt Me: Helping Kids Handle Teasing, Bullying and Putdowns
by Sally Northway Ogden (Illustrator), Margaret Smith (Editor)