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Comebacks > Insults, Putdowns and Sarcasm.  
If you have some that you especially like and you don't see it here. Drop us an email.


  • I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

  • Does your train of thought have a caboose?

  • If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead?

  • I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

  • Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

  • You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

  • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

  • Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

  • Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?

  • I wish that we were better strangers.

  • You!...Off my planet!

  • I taught your boyfriend that...little thing that you like.

  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

  • And which dwarf are you?

  • If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

  • And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

  • Do I look like a  people person?

  • This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

  • I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

  • I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

  • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

  • A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

  • A PBS mind in an MTV world.

  • Allow me to introduce my selves.

  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

  • See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

  • It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

  • Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

  • Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

  • I plead contemporary insanity.

  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?

  • Meandering to a different drummer.

  • The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside.

  • May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant -- all over their faces.

  • May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.

  • May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.


Recommended Reading

cover
Giant Book of Put-Downs, Insults & Excuses
by Maureen Kushner, Joseph Resenbloom, Joseph Rosenbloom

cover
Stick Up for Yourself : Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem
by Gershen Kaufman, et al

cover
How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book That Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense
by Kate Cohen-Posey, Betsy A. Lampe (Illustrator)

cover
Words Will Never Hurt Me: Helping Kids Handle Teasing, Bullying and Putdowns
by Sally Northway Ogden (Illustrator), Margaret Smith (Editor)


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