Jokes 'N Jokes
Quotable Quotes
Insults and Comebacks

• I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
  ~Steven Pearl

• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
  ~Groucho Marx

• Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence. A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do.
  She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."
  "You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.
  ~Author Unknown

• Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
  ~Mark Twain

• Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
  Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."
  ~Author Unknown

• She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
  ~P.G. Wodehouse

• Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales.
  ~Mark Twain

• Dustin Farnum: "I've never been better! In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats."
  Oliver Herford: "How clever of you to think of it."
  ~Author Unknown

• I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
  ~English professor, Ohio University

• I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.
  ~Johnny Mercer, on a British musical

• I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.
  ~Charles Baudelaire

• The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
  ~David Gerrold

• The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
  ~ George Bernard Shaw

• This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
  ~Dorothy Parker, book review

• During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson: "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!".
  Stevenson called back "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!
  ~Author Unknown

Giant Book of Put-Downs, Insults & Excuses
by Maureen Kushner, Joseph Resenbloom, Joseph Rosenbloom

Stick Up for Yourself : Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem
by Gershen Kaufman, et al

How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book That Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense
by Kate Cohen-Posey, Betsy A. Lampe (Illustrator)

Words Will Never Hurt Me: Helping Kids Handle Teasing, Bullying and Putdowns
by Sally Northway Ogden (Illustrator), Margaret Smith (Editor)