Jokes 'N Jokes
Comebacks and Insults
Especially for Kids

• You were one of the first to get a brain, before they were perfected.

• But you did get a brain that day. The problem is that you should have asked for one to go.

• You got your brain very early. Apparently the warranty has run out.

• When they were handing out brains you arrived too late, all you got was a rain check.

• They just ran out of brains by the time you got there, so they gave you a nice wood carving instead.

• When they were handing out brains, you were the first in the queue, and held the door open for the rest of us.

• You didn't get a brain that day either. They were only handing them out to people who would use them

• You got your brain first when they were handing them out in alphabetical order, A for "Aardvark"

Is that your face ?. . . .

• Your face looks like you've been using it as a doorstop.

• Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo.

• If your face had "Welcome" written on it, it would make a perfect doormat.

• If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in.

• Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails.

• Your face doesn't look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going.

• Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut.

• Your face is such a mess, why don't you get your dog something different to chew on ?

• Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don't you make sure the pool has water in next time.

• Your face is very becoming. I's becoming more and more ugly every time I see it.

When they gave out...

• When they were giving out heads, you thought they said beds, and you said "I'd like something soft"

• When they were giving out brains, you thought they said grains, and you said "Make mine oatmeal"

• When they were giving out noses, you thought they said roses, and you said "Give me a big red one"

• When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds, and you said "I'd like a nice big wooden one"

• When they were giving out looks, you thought they said books, and you said "Give me something funny"

• When they were giving out brains, you thought they said canes, and you said "I won't need one of those"

• When they were giving out noses, you thought they said hoses, and you said "I don't mind if mine drips a little bit"

• When they were giving out faces, you thought they said cases, and you said "I'd like one made of leather"

• When they were giving out heads, you thought they said breads, and you said "I'd like mine nice and doughy"

Good riddance.....

• If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.

• You don't have to say anything. You offend me just by being in the area.

• I don't take it personally. Every time you open your mouth you offend someone.

• Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things.

• Don't worry about it. I've never listened to a thing you've said since the day I met you.

• Nothing you could say could offend me. I only get offended by things that make sense.

• I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.

• It's not what you say, it's the thought behind it that counts, and I know there's never any thought behind anything you say.

• I wouldn't get angry at you today. It's "Be kind to Animals" week.

• You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?

• I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.

• I understand that's Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.

• I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.

• That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet.

• You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.

• You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?

• Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time ?

Giant Book of Put-Downs, Insults & Excuses
by Maureen Kushner, Joseph Resenbloom, Joseph Rosenbloom

Stick Up for Yourself : Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem
by Gershen Kaufman, et al

How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book That Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense
by Kate Cohen-Posey, Betsy A. Lampe (Illustrator)

Words Will Never Hurt Me: Helping Kids Handle Teasing, Bullying and Putdowns
by Sally Northway Ogden (Illustrator), Margaret Smith (Editor)