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The Ages Of Women
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?
A Letter from Men to Women
To all women,
On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:
- The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
- Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
- When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
- When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
- If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
- If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
- If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
- I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
- Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
- Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
- If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
- I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
- Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
Thank you for your understanding,
From all men.
The Female Stages of Life
Age 17: Wine Coolers
Age 25: White wine
Age 35: Red wine
Age 48: Dom Perignon
Age 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Excuses for refusing dates:
17: Need to wash my hair
25: Need to wash and condition my hair
35: Need to colour my hair
48: Need to have Francois color my hair
66: Need to have Francois color my wig
Definition of successful date:
17: "Burger King"
25: "Free meal"
35: "A diamond"
48: "A bigger diamond"
66: "Home Alone"
17: tall, dark and handsome
25: tall, dark and handsome with money
35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48: a man with hair (preferably not on back)
66: a man
17: Muffy the cat
25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66: Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
Ideal age for marriage:
17: He offers to pay
25: He pays
35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66: He can chew breakfast
T-shirts Seen On Women
- My husband could have had any women he pleased-he just couldn't please any!
- Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
- So many men, so few who can afford me.
- God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
- My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
- Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
- Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are just better rich.
- Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
- Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
- If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
- I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc)
- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
- Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
- Do not start with me. You will not win.
- If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
- At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all... I just can't remember it all.
- You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
- My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).
Courses Women Should be REQUIRED to take
- Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
- The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
- Parties: Going Without New Outfits
- Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
- Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
- Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
- Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
- Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
- Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
- Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
- Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
- Introduction to Parking
- Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
- Water Retention: Fact or Fat
- Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
- Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
- Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
- Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
- PMS: Your Problem... Not His
- Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
- Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
- Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
- Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
- Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
- TV Remotes: For Men Only
More Jokes About Women ==> Page 1
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Last Updated April 1, 2013
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