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Jokes >
Pregnant Jokes. If you have some that you especially like and you don't see it here. Drop us an email.
Pregnancy
and Birth - F.A.Q.
-
Q:
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
A:
You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all
-
Q:
What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
A:
A misconception
-
Q:
What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
A:
Have sex just once a year
-
Q:
What is a chastity belt ?
A:
A labor-saving device
-
Q:
When does a woman's biological clock start ticking ?
A:
Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God, crow's feet
!"
-
Q:
What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
A:
For men to be the ones who get pregnant
-
Q:
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex ?
A:
Childbirth
-
Q:
Should I have a baby after 35 ?
A.
No, 35 children is way too many already
-
Q:
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
A:
With any luck, right after he finishes college
-
Q:
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu ?
A:
If it's the flu, you'll get better
-
Q:
Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory ?
A:
Most of the ladies I asked don't remember
-
Q:
My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
A:
Yes, your bladder
-
Q:
Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving ?
A:
Depends on what your doing with them
-
Q:
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why ?
A:
Cause you're fatter then they are,
-
Q:
My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she's borderline irrational.
A:
So what's your question ?
-
Q:
Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor ?
A:
When the sex is between your husband and another woman
-
Q:
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold ?
A.
Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him
-
Q:
What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
A:
Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder
-
Q:
What are forceps ?
A:
Giant baby tweezers
-
Q:
What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman ?
A:
Brute force
-
Q:
How do I know if my baby has dropped ?
A:
He/She will start crying. Be more careful !
-
Q:
How long is the average woman in labor ?
A:
Whatever she says, divided by two
-
Q:
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right ?
A:
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current
-
Q:
When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A:
Right after you find out you're pregnant
-
Q:
Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor ?
A:
Not unless the word "alimony" is a concern for you
-
Q:
I'm modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position ?
A:
Authorized hospital personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
-
Q:
What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning ?
A:
It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you
-
Q:
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ?
A:
Yes, pregnancy
-
Q:
Does labor cause hemorrhoids ?
A:
Labor causes anything you want to blame it for
-
Q:
When should a baby not be circumcised ?
A:
When it's a girl.
-
Q:
Where is the best place to store breast milk ?
A:
In your breasts
-
Q:
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps ?
A:
Yes, baby lips
-
Q:
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth ?
A:
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse
-
Q:
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing ?
A:
When you see teeth marks
-
Q:
What is the grasp reflex ?
A:
The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
-
Q:
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing ?
A:
Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast
and puts him to sleep first.
-
Q:
What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away ?
A:
They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in case of global chemical warfare.
-
Q:
Do I have to have a baby shower ?
A:
Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly
-
Q:
What causes baby blues ?
A:
Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos
-
Q:
What is colic ?
A:
A reminder for new parents to use birth control
-
Q:
What are night terrors ?
A:
Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again
-
Q:
Nannies aren't cheap are they ?
A:
Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy
-
Q:
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born ?
A:
No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves
-
Q:
What are the terrible twos ?
A:
Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey
-
Q:
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to act normal ?
A:
Possibly when the kids are in college
More Pregnancy Jokes ==> Page
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Last Updated March 12, 2008
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