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Jokes > Humorous Quotes


  • I've made so many movies playing a hooker that they don't pay me in the regular way any more. They leave it on the dresser.
    --- Shirley Maclaine

  • Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
    --- Paul Dickson

  • America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair.
    --- A.J. Toynbee

  • America is a country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
    --- John Barrymore

  • Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.
    --- A.A. Milne.

  • Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
    --- Robert A. Heinlein.

  • I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
    --- Shirley Temple.

  • When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
    --- Frederick Ryder.

  • They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
    --- Garrison Keillor.

  • Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
    --- Wilson Mizner.

  • You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
    --- John Barrymore.

  • IEconomists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.
    --- Bill Vaughan.

  • When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
    --- Mae West.

  • Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
    --- Robert Hutchins.

  • I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
    --- Noel Coward.


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    Last Updated April 1, 2013

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